P arents’ love for their children can make them do peculiar things. Neither side is right or wrong. I will say that you come across as very resentful and unsympathetic towards your husband and his feelings. But it is wrong to say that that’s fine, marry someone, adopt children with them, and then guilt your partner for something they can’t control and not treat the kids you adopted as yours. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Can people please stop saying that I changed my mind about children and am now being selfish because my bloodline is continuing? But. People can still be happy with their lives yet want something more. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth. Where's the respect and love? and even though some of the things you cover in your qualifications can Maybe in therapy? I love him more than my children. It’s an impossible question to answer right now, but in 20 years or so, I might be asking this same question, and justifiably so. Let's say two babies are switched at birth in the hospital by accident. People and wants and desires obviously change, as they did with you and him deciding to adopt. Need help with your relationship? Because this bond is created during those processes, it would be impossible to replicate it with an adopted child. How would you show that your claim is wrong? I’m afraid this feeling is going to eat away at him and he will either leave to start a new family or stay and grow resentful. It may pass, it may not, it could definitely lead to resentment if it’s just swept under the rug. I think the idea of passing on your genes is outdated. I told him a It’s been about three years since I basically gave up on motherhood, and although Inti and I are not actively preventing conception, I no longer slump when my period comes each month to remind me, yet again, of my not-pregnant status. Cournoyer said they have better training and have more experience with the normal development of sexual behaviors. My wife has a child from a previous relationship that I have raised though I am not the biological father, and the child’s grandparents are now threatening to modify custody. I talk to Amy about the sticky web of girl drama in middle school, both assuring her that what she’s facing is normal and helping her navigate her way through. While I am glad that these girls now have wanting and loving families, I can't help but feel (strongly) that their adoptive families will never love them as much as their biological child(ren), because I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. He’s allowed to feel that way, it’s valid. To pass on a living legacy in the modern era you need to pass on ideas. Well, for starters "love" isn't exactly quantifiable. Do you mean a certain range of feelings of pride, joy, happiness, friendship, and security towards an individual? I just think that, if she where being honest with herself, the mother would agree that she loves her biological kids more than her adoptive kids. After a year into the relationship, my husband changed his mind. Children and their mothers usually form a bond through oxytocin, a chemical released during and after childbirth which stimulates feelings of bonding. The birth process can help the mother to form a bond with her infant more easily and more quickly. More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. She still comes over with my biological son. I was not going to allow him not wanting children to affect the relationship I was in. Definitley is a huge trigger for her. Just to clarify, I'm not asserting that these parents are liars should they insist that they truly love their biological and adoptive children equally, just that I believe it is more likely for a mother to love her biological children more, for biological/psychological reasons. (Say the children weren't present and you wouldn't have the chance to ever communicate them.) (1980) found that families raising both biological and adopted children apportioned their land so as to favor biological children. - I wouldn’t have adopted. If a woman were to give birth to one child and adopt a second child that same day, for those first few days your assumption may be correct. It’s not my bloodline! As a sidenote, my close friend was adopted and I know people who have had children both biologically and through adoption. I love these little monsters more than I ever thought possible. I love my toddler because he breaks into dance with his shadow when he's bored and because of his intense conversations with his legos. She has zero interest in meeting her biological father. By any objective measure, I'd say that they love their adopted kids greater than their bio-kids. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Detach from Toxic Parents. After many months of going back and forth, I realized that my significant other was everything I had ever wanted in a partner except the offspring part. I missed out on my 20s because I was married and/or pregnant. Case, Lin, and McLanahan (2000) found that American families with biological chil-dren spent 5% more A lot. I love my Son as much as any parent could love their biological child. You can't put the adopted parents and the biological parents on a scale and measure their levels of love output towards the child. Those parents love their children equally, and it seems arrogant to assert that all these parents are liars. I love them because of who they are now. OP trying to make him out to be a monster. You're not a mind-reader that can probe the emotions of every single adoptive parent in the entire world and make a reasonable judgment as to the content of their affections. And what I'm left feeling more than anything is guilt. Press J to jump to the feed. We as humans have overcome many if not most biological problems that would make it necessary to try to pass on "good" genes. We have that bond that I lack with my other little girl. If I have an adopted child and a biological child, maybe my biological child is a huge pain, gets in trouble, doesn't listen to me, etc. She has zero interest in meeting her biological father. Between the ages of 41 and 43, I sort of tried to get pregnant with my boyfriend, Inti. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. I cannot have children and have never wanted them. I am wildly and unabashedly on their team — as long as their team isn’t currently facing up against Gabe. My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. I’m spending more time with my childfree or part-time (divorced) parent friends. Enter with a mindset for conversation, not debate. I love my daughter because of her passion and because of the way she cares about other people. When I adopted him as an adult (he’s 26) he said it may be too late in his life for being adopted, he has a girlfriend and 2 daughters of his own. To clarify my view, I think there is a special bond, be it chemical or otherwise, that occurs as a result of the pregnancy and/or birthing process. I think, though, that if the parent were sincerely and emotionally making this claim to you, that you would believe them. “But not in the same way I love my biological daughter. No conversations. For the past 30 years, I have had absolutely zero interest in finding my biological parents, mainly because I was conceived during a 6-year long affair, and because I love my adoptive parents with all my heart. She passed after an undiagnosed illness and the father bounced after the second child was born. I suggest talking with your significant other about this. Anecdotally, I am friends with a family, and their kids basically moved out of the house at 20 and 18 respectively, and by that point were completely estranged. I never thought of them as not being my parents, because they raised me I love my kids more than existence itself, and I can't thing of a single thing in this universe that can evoke such an overwhelming sense of every possible emotion, other than them. I got married young. But then, I had a child The answer? Then again, in the The American Life episode I linked, one of the mothers instinctively *knew that the baby was not hers, while the other mother did not suspect anything. But my husband has been talking about having an urge to have biological children. No, I don’t. I think that biology does play a role, but human beings are also adaptive creatures and complex ones. I’ve never traveled out of the country. . This would seem to completely rule out your view that it's impossible, simply on the face of it. I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. Then this would dismantle the idea that biology as anything to do with the special bond I believe exists between a mother and who she thinks is her biological child. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! You posted this on reddit when in reality you need to have this exact talk with him. My family is similar in that I am the biological child and my younger sister is adopted. There's just something that happens to you when that sweet little face looks up at you with complete trust and dependence, no matter how they got there. Prospective adoptive families often wonder if they can really love an adopted child as much as a biological child. “For my husband, this was true, but three years later, my feelings have not changed. Him wanting biological children, when she can't have any, after all they've done together with their new family? Do you want another child? But I have one hard to argue question to ask: In the case of every single adoption that has ever occurred for voluntary reasons on the part of the biological and adoptive parents, isn't that evidence that the biological parent didn't want to raise the child and that the adoptive parent did? But the fact that one mother did feel that she was given the wrong child proves that the bond does exist, however rarely. Some parents and children don't get along well at all, despite being incredibly similar, and some parents and children get along very well despite being dissimilar. I can’t help but feel as though he’s saying, “If you wont be an incubator for me, I can’t love you as much. We’ve talked our heads off for years. I don't think the existence of adoption rules out the possibility of loving an adopted child less than your biological child. Parenting is not biology or blood work, just as it's not process of acquisition or paperwork; parenting is practice, the love you give, and the life you make. In these cases the dynamic is reversed and the bond that gets cultivated early on is that between father and child. There was a large number of adopted Chinese girls in attendance. I want kids who think like me. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. I In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” (GSA) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. Briggs and her husband Paul began adopting children almost 30 years ago, and they’re not done expanding their family yet. It would require that the parents be quite self-aware, and self-critical, but I wouldn't imagine that if a person were committed to an adopted child that they could treat them with as much love as they treat their child. I love my son, but my husband has been, is, and will always be my #1. IF you're describing love as an action, then I'd argue that it's quite possible for someone to intentionally treat their birth children and their adopted children in the same way. It not awful. But I don’t want more. Kim Mays, biological family involved in switched-at-birth scandal, custody battle describe navigating troubled times Regina Twigg gave birth to her … Then, to update my view, I believe there is something psychological that occurs within a mother who *knows that her child came from her, carries her genes, so on. If someone does decide to adopt in addition to having biological children it is because they want that child and they want to be a parent to them. Nothing. If I had missed those first few days with one of my children because someone else had carried them and given birth to them, I would not love them less. It may have taken me longer to fall in love with them, but it would have happened. Her biological father has largely been out of the picture but now is requesting more parenting time and having the child stay the night with him at the home he shares with his parents. It'd be brutal if it were true. If her baby is switched without her knowing, then she could easily love that child as much as if the child was biological to her. No one can quell your fears and insecurities and answer your italicized questions besides him. Admittedly I have never felt that desire so I am having a hard time empathizing with the voracity of this feeling. In your example it seems the love for a child is very conditional, based on how they behave. More to the point, thanks to reliable birth control and changing mores, becoming a parent is now more of a choice than ever. We can defy biology. I am talking about adoptive parents having great love for their adopted children, but just not being biologically able to love that adoptive child *as much as their biological children. Today more and more men are becoming the primary caretakers. If children are very young and the step parent begins to parent the child and love it then a special bond will be formed. protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. Finding out I was infertile wasn’t heartbreaking for me. Do you believe that these babies are loved any less than if the mistake didn't occur? “I just enjoy it. Given this it makes for the possibility that an adoptive parent could love their adopted baby enough to not abandon it, and the possibility that the biological mother did not love the baby enough to keep the boy/girl, thereby creating adoption as a cultural phenomenon. Things have been stressful, but not as bad as I had always imagined. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn't transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children?